Parenting Lessons in Humility
Of all the great teachers in my life, my most surprising teachers have been my own children. Clearly, they do not help me gain basic knowledge or life skills (I do that for them), but they have opened up for me the path to virtuous living in ways that I could have never foreseen.Caring for my children has provided me with ample schooling in the virtues of patience, kindness and love, to name a few.
However, my children first taught me to practice humility, which was the gateway to desiring to grow in virtue and holiness at all.
Pondering my children and humility brings to mind Jesus’ words “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:3, NAB).
In past years I have wondered: ”Why would God want us to remain as children? Do we not also have the duty to develop our gifts, grow in knowledge, mature so that we may help run the community or raise even children of our own? Surely He could not really mean this...” And yet, after having children of my own, I find that His words ring very true.
Jesus does not mean that we should remain childlike in our understanding of life. Instead, he means that we should assume the quality of a child in relation to God the Father. We can notice many admirable qualities in our children: their zeal for life, resiliency in the face of difficulty, present moment living, joy in little things, or pure acts of love. Certainly, we would do well to imitate these qualities. However, the key to Jesus’ teaching about children comes if we continue reading the gospel passage. He goes on to say “Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 18:4, NAB). So then, “becoming like children” is crucially linked to humility.
My own children have taught me about humility in two ways: First, I have been humbled in the face of the daunting task of parenthood; Second, they have clarified for me why we should be humble in relation to God, our Father.
On Being Humbled
Memories of my firstborn’s birth, arrival home, and care for the first few weeks of her life are imprinted in my mind and heart more vividly than most of my other memories. I can still feel the carpet between my toes and smell the aroma of our first rented home as I remember carrying my wide-eyed newborn up and down the hall. The pacing felt like it would never end, but with heavy head and tired arms I would carry her, back and forth and back and forth, until she finally slept.
Each time I would pace past the staircase at the end of the hall I remember feeling a tiny knot in my stomach. In my arms I held the tiniest, most beautiful, most helpless life I had ever known. She trusted me implicitly and slumbered so peacefully while a sleep-deprived Mama walked her every few minutes past the “cliff of the house.” I could not help worrying, “What if I slip?”
I knew trepidation and a weighty responsibility in a manner I had never before experienced. I was literally holding her life in my hands. “What if, in my tiredness, my foot slips and I tumble down the stairs?” I would take her with me. “Or even if we do not physically tumble, what if I make a mistake in caring for or teaching her?” Everything I do could impact her whole future.
In a paradoxical way, the most humble of human persons was the one who most profoundly humbled me. I was humbled to realize that I had been given the most important job in the world and had no idea what I was doing. The time had come to set aside my pride for the good of another. I needed to ask for help from God and neighbor in order to be a good parent.
Once a Toddler, Always a Toddler?
It is never easy to ask for help, especially if it means setting aside pride, giving up a measure of independence or admitting a fault. Growing from a child to an adult certainly involves gaining independence and confidence, but can be fraught with difficulty when we simultaneously thrust aside solid guidance. My children are still quite young, so they do generally accept guidance from me. However, they are growing and are learning to assert their own wills in ways both good and not-so-good.
Lately, as I have observed my children growing in independence, I have often wondered if my rebelliousness against humility in the face of God looks to Him like the behavior of a toddler sometimes looks to me.
When I believe my own way of doing things to be better than God’s, do I look like the child who insists that a shark is a dolphin, despite my assurance it is not?
Or do I look like the child who knows that the shoes three sizes too small will fit, despite my assurances and explanations?
When I find myself faced with temptation, do I look like the child who runs to where the driveway meets the pavement, stands at the edge, and just can’t quite resist stepping that foot over the line?
Maybe. But it is at least helpful for me to ponder this possibility. For in so doing I can better understand the wisdom inherent in characterizing God as our Father.
Humility and Greatness
Just as children grow best under the guidance of loving parents, humans flourish best under the guidance of our loving God and Father. Children implicitly know their humble position in the world. They depend upon their caregivers to meet their every physical need and to help them learn.
Children need no one to tell them to be humble, they simply are. Such a state allows them to willingly and joyfully accept (most) parental guidance. They quickly find that accepting guidance opens up the world. For example, by accepting the parental correction that not all animals are dogs, children find that the world is filled with numerous fascinating animals.
Similarly, when children accept parental guidance concerning their speech, they find that they can express their thoughts and feelings, broadening the social world and greatly reducing frustration. If children refused to accept guidance with humility, it would be very difficult to grow and flourish.
We cannot expect to grow spiritually or to become the people God intends for us to be if we cannot humbly accept His guidance. We must first realize our need for help and set aside our pride so that we can be profoundly open to God’s grace. We can then choose to accept the guidance of the Father and grow in many virtues, such as patience, charity, joy and peace.
We can allow God to make us into one of the “greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” Or, we can choose to reject his guidance, remaining like the toddler with so much to say, but no words to do so.
It sounds like a simple task, but, at least for me, being humble is one of the hardest attitudes to take. I pray that you and I may grow in humility, so that just as we guide our children from infancy to adulthood, our Father in Heaven may guide us on the much greater journey from here to everlasting life.