There’s a small deck of cards I’ve kept around for years called Questions to Ask Before Giving Up.

I don’t pull it out when things are calm. I reach for it when the moment is already too full – when someone is overwhelmed, when the conversation starts looping, when another “helpful suggestion” would only make them feel more alone.

The questions themselves are simple. 

They start with basic human physical needs like sleep, hunger, movement.  They move on to emotional and relational needs like connection, fear, and joy.  They encourage simple reflection on the story you’re telling yourself, and ask whether this is a one-off or the same wound again.

They don’t make decisions for you. They don’t fix the day.
They just slow it down.

And slowing it down is often the difference between a person staying open… or shutting down completely.

When someone is flooded, you can watch their world shrink. They stop finishing sentences. They repeat themselves. They go sharp, or they go blank. You can practically see the part of them that can receive love sliding out of reach.

When Advice Becomes Noise

Pope Francis has a blunt way of naming this. He talks about the Church as a field hospital – not a classroom, not a diagnostic center, not a place for sorting people once they’re already bleeding.

It is useless to ask a seriously injured person if he has high cholesterol and about the level of his blood sugars! You have to heal his wounds. Then we can talk about everything else.

That’s accompaniment. You tend the wound first. You stay close. You help someone survive the moment before asking them to carry anything more.

Years ago, when my son was little, I realized I was treating hard evenings like problems to solve. He’d melt down at bedtime and I’d start reaching for explanations – why he felt that way, what we could do differently tomorrow, how to calm down faster.

None of it helped.

What helped was staying. Sitting on the edge of the bed. Letting the storm burn out without trying to lecture it out of him. And offering a few questions that helped him name what was going on when he didn’t have words yet.

So, we made a kid-sized version of the cards together. Not as a “tool.” Just as a way to keep connection alive when emotions were loud and everything felt like too much. 

It didn’t make the feelings disappear. It kept him from feeling trapped inside them.
And it kept me from turning his pain into a project.

This is the space where accompaniment lives.

The Reflex to Fix

The moment you’re with someone who’s struggling, there’s a reflex that kicks in – especially if you’re competent, faithful, and used to carrying things. You want to move it along. Improve it. Give them something useful. Get them back on their feet.

Sometimes that reflex is love. Sometimes it’s fear.

Jesus doesn’t rush people past their humanity.

He asks questions when people are still trying to breathe. He lets silence stretch. He stays close when the conversation is awkward.

“What are you looking for?”
“Do you want to be healed?”
“Who do you say that I am?”

Those aren’t icebreaker questions. They’re not evangelization techniques.

They’re the way Jesus keeps a person engaged long enough for the truth to land.

Because revelation isn’t a dump of information. It’s a relationship. And you can’t receive relationship when you’re bracing for impact.

Christian accompaniment is not just a ministry buzzword.  It's a posture that protects and makes space.  

A lot of people aren’t ready for God-talk when they’re in the midst of overwhelm, struggle, or crisis. They’re deciding whether anyone is safe. Whether their life is worth staying in. Whether hope is something they can risk again. 

If we treat those moments like a failure of faith, we push them toward the exact thing the enemy wants: shame, isolation, despair.

Fr. Timothy Gallagher, in his book Struggles in the Spiritual Life: Their Nature and Their Remedies, names an early step we often skip when people feel stuck.

Yes, the spiritual life is easier when we take wise care of the body. If you struggle in the spiritual life, ask first: How is my physical energy? Do I get enough sleep? Do I exercise sufficiently? Does my diet sustain my energy?

If the answers are positive, you may presume that spiritual struggles, should you experience them, arise from a different cause. But it is wise to ask these questions before you presume this.

He isn’t offering a method so much as a reminder: before you interpret struggle as failure, check the basics – body, energy, rhythms – because that’s often where the enemy disguises his lie.

That’s worth sitting with.
Struggle doesn’t block encounter. Despair does.

And if you’re reading this and realizing you might be the one who’s worn down or stuck, that matters too. You don’t have to diagnose it. You don’t have to spiritualize it. You don’t have to decide what it “means” yet.

The first question is simpler than that: are you being asked to carry more than you can right now?

An honest, grounded question can keep despair from taking over.

For those who are curious, the original Questions to Ask Before Giving Up decks that sparked this reflection are here:

• Everything is Awful and I Am Not Okay:  Questions to Ask Before Giving Up Key Ring Card Set (Adults)
• Everything is Awful and I Am Not Okay:  Questions to Ask Before Giving Up for Kids

They aren’t Catholic resources. They aren’t spiritual formation. They’re just an example of how the right question at the right time can keep someone present when everything in them wants to bolt.

Christian accompaniment can't replace proclamation.
But it can help clear the fog so proclamation can be heard and till the soil so it can be received.

If you’re walking with someone right now who feels close to shutting down, don’t panic. Don’t perform or preach at their pain.

Stay.

Holy Spirit, give us the patience to remain.
Give us the courage to speak when it’s time.
And keep us from rushing past the place where you’re already at work.
Amen. 

Related Resources from Burning Hearts Disciples

• When Trust Has Been Broken: Trauma-Informed Accompaniment – What accompaniment looks like when walking with trauma survivors.

• Mary’s Ministry of Presence in Grief – How Our Lady models compassion for those suffering loss and spiritual desolation.

• Accompaniment in Action Hub – Explore real examples and practical tools for living out accompaniment in parish life.